I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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