i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
