She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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