There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
In other news, I just burned my penis
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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