Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
