morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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