I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
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Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
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Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
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