"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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