I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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