What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
