I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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