Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
