Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
