These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Green mimosas i think yes
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
