me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
