Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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