New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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