stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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