there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
