I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
