I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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