It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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