How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
