i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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