Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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