The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
