i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You are the jesus of drinking
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
