Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
