Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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