Your face is a jimmy john
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
