Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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