omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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