The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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