Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
