Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
