U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
