I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
