i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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