So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
