im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
