Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
