What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
there was a trapeze. enough said
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
