I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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