My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
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She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
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My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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