peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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