let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
