All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
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Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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