Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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