Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
