We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
