I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
They have beer where we have blood.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
