He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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