I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
