nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
