thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
