What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
