I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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