wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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