I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
