i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
